“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
You Might Also Like
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed