What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
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me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
364 DAYS: Astrology’s silly and baseless and I’m not a conceited Leo at all
ON MY BIRTHDAY: It’s still baseless but please worship me today
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.