What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

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People who take things literally on twitter, stop.

Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.


I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.


The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know


a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!


me: will I go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register


I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire


Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.


*calls 911*

Hey, I found some big guns.

*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*