People who take things literally on twitter, stop.
Wait. First take this tweet literally, then stop.
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“Are you ready to rock?”
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
me: will I go to jail in the future
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I don’t understand billionaires who still work. You have a thousand million dollars. If I won $500 in a lottery ticket I’d try to retire
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*