What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
You Might Also Like
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.
Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Now this is how you LinkedIn
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable