What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
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Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.