Is there a morning after pill to erase all the texts from the night before?
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
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Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go