Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”
Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”
No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”
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So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.
If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.
Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.
Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.
If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.