me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”
Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”
No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”
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ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
ME: i want you to meet my parents
HER: uhh, don’t you think it’s a little too early for that?
ME: nah, it’s after 7, they should be home by now
Me, pretending to make an effort when I really don’t want to do something.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.