@genehunter1

What kind of name for a storm is “Debby?”

Hurricanes should have names like “Satan”

No one should have their house destroyed by “Heather.”

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@mattZillaaaa

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

@Dutch_50

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

@JermHimselfish

When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.

@Metalligretch

At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.

@michaelianblack

The only thing that would prevent my wife from going to Pilates class would be if they invented a more expensive form of exercise.

@juskewitch

If you’re in a clown posse, you don’t need to tell us you’re insane. We know.

Nobody’s thinking you’re an emotionally stable clown posse.

@thatUPSdude

Was driving with my dad the other day and he told me to get the map out of the glove box. Easy there Indiana Jones, I will just google it.

@freedom2726

If I refer to you as ugly, I always mean on the inside, you piece of shit.

@cwhudson

BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple

@CheryeDavis

It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.