[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
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Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
who wants to go expliring
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
being a writer on Twitter:
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Beware of fowl play.