What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

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Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*


A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent


ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.


Trainer: How often do you exercise?

Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?

T: Uhhh sure.

M: Ok then still not that often


first rule of fight club is no fightig. welcom to contradicton club evryone hav a seat adn dont hav a seat. also this isnt contradicton club


I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people


The Olympians stories are amazing! The Ukrainian whose family was killed, the Korean who escaped slavery, the American who never had wifi.


Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.


[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”