“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
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I like getting new furniture because it’s important for children to have a variety of clean surfaces to color on
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
? 💀
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in