Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
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To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.