What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
You Might Also Like
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
scares
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Flight attendant alerted us to a “birthday queen” coming down the aisle and asked everyone to clap for her. The woman next to me quietly said “That was weird.”
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?