What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
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Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own food choices.