Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
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I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*