@heroinsdemise

What many don’t know,
“Riverdance” was invented while waiting in line at the ladies toilet.

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@ohpegah

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

@JoParkerBear

Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.

@TheAlexP

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

@Token_Geezer

Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers

@MarfSalvador

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

@DanSpenser

Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:

William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black

@dankmtl

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

@Iwriteforcats

Wife: “Would you like to help me….?”
Translation: “Do it or die.”