Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Not one person is cooler than the pigeon that just walked all the way into this Mexican restaurant, gently picked up a taco chip, and left.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
ATTENTION ALABAMA RESIDENTS: tonight’s penumbral lunar eclipse is perfectly natural. The moon is undamaged. Gay people are not stealing it.