“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
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Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
12. I think about this all the damn time
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
Look at this
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.