Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
You Might Also Like
TEACHER: how was your summer?
STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
* drinks 6 pack of muscle milk *
* checks for abs *
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction