what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free

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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.


TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?


The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.


If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.


[First day as a fighter pilot]

*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*


Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space


Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.


Nurse: Your name, please?
Me: Dr. Feelgood.
Nurse: …
Me: …
Nurse: You’re not a Dr. are you?
Me: No, I won’t make you feel good, either.


I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction