What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
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cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.