People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
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Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job