What personal space?
My dog
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You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.