What personal space?

My dog

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HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.


I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*


Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.


[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby


The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.

And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work


Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol