HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
What personal space?
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About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
signing a lease tomorrow
The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.
And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me