@envydatropic

What personal space?

My dog

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@sixfootcandy

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

@RhinoUR

I’m Godzilla’s gift to women!!!
*walks around toy store
destroying doll houses*

@JediGigi

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.

Interviewer: Take a minute to th-

Me: Arendelle.

@FredTaming

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

@Douchekevin

The problem was that everyone was poking my ex on Facebook.

And in my bed
And on my couch
And in my car
And when I was at work

@pilau

Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me

Murderer: lol