What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
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Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
This is the most embarrassing thing that’s ever happened to me. I call my cat “my sweet boy” and went out on my porch, saw him and said “hey there sweet boy” unfortunately a teenage boy happened to be walking by just then, looked over at me and then took off running.
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.