@frankzulla

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

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@AmericanGent69

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

@Dutch_50

The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.

@Angibangie

Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!

-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.

@scottsimpson

Maybe it’s just me, but reading books on an iPad Mini, I really miss the smell, the heft, the traditional reading experience of an iPad 2.

@ashleycrem

If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.

@BillMc7

listen, officer – t h e o r e t i c a l l y – would I still get a carpool lane ticket if I have a body in the trunk