@ReeseButCallMeV

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

You Might Also Like

@WigCannon

What if the missing plane is still up there?
“What?”
Did you check the sky?
“No.”
See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.

@CherBear162

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

@liv_thatsme

Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.

@illuminateddino

I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.

@better_off_dad

*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’

*response:

‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’

@CopernicusG

CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult

@NervousJr

Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.

@kumailn

Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.

@KevinFarzad

What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.