Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.
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Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
So what do you think?
* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Me: we are in Spain
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her