@ReeseButCallMeV

What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

You Might Also Like

@ClichedOut

Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.

Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.

@Shade510

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

@pecan_pie_1

When my toddlers are teenagers I’m going to wake them up in the middle of the night to tell them I’m thirsty

@philgibson01

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

@BlackJerms

So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No

* 3 days later watching TV

OMG u rearranged the living room

– Men

@david8hughes

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

@Peauxtassium

Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.

@Dutch_50

Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver

@_Mo_lee_

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her