What phone etiquette?! You hand me your phone, you better believe I’ma hurry & scroll through as many pics as I can before you notice.

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What if the missing plane is still up there?
Did you check the sky?
See, this is why you’ll never advance, Kevin.


There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.


Well, I was in a huge hurry until you started driving 1 inch from my bumper. Now, I’ve got all the time in the world.


I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.


*reading note from son:

‘Can I borrow your car later?’


‘You spelled ‘wash’ wrong. But yes.’


CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult


Snow White is my favorite Disney movie about a man trying to hook up with a woman who just wants to sleep.


Mustaches are the eyebrows of the lower face lol. Now that I have your attention, climate change is a real problem whether we see it or not.


What’s being in love feel like? You know when someone cancels plans you wanted to cancel anyway? Almost as good as that.