Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
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me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
this is funnier than any friends episode
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare