@Illiter8

What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?

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@LoveNLunchmeat

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

@birbigs

Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.

@ErrenMichaels

Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.

@MrMichaelRose

I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters

@someonesmomma

You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.

@Reverend_Scott

Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.

@CheeseCasket

Pharmacist: Don’t take this while driving and make sure you eat-
*crushes pill and snorts off the counter*
“Ok”

@IvoryGazelle

ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT