“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
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Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
ME: *gets slapped in the face by a small reptile*
“And that’s for being a jerk to your wife!”
~ Karma Chameleon
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*