Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
What possible bit about trying to buy a large number of ice cream containers and two boxes of tampons says I want to chat you up, douchebag?
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Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
You’re missing the point and possibly a chromosome…
Superman: I am an all powerful alien with only one weakness.
Batman: Is it bats? Please say bats.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Pharmacist: Don’t take this while driving and make sure you eat-
*crushes pill and snorts off the counter*
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT