@DepressedDarth

What program do Jedi use to PDF files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

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@lecalabara

Home Alone 6: Homeland Security – Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!

@InternetHippo

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

@jordan_stratton

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

@animaldrumss

son, you don’t need to close your eyes, it’s just a movie. the killer from the movie can still get you even if you’re not watching it

@robin_991

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

@jacquiewalters

Me: *finally deciding to be productive*

Computer: I SHALL UPDATE FOR YOU NOW