Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
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My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he鈥檚 in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I鈥檓 an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa鈥檚 drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
馃幎Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
me: i can鈥檛 remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”