“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
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The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Super Hand Dog Face
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.