If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all
“I still haven’t gotten my period.”
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”
“sir…that’s a parrot”
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alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”
My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]