@Holy_Mowgli

“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”

*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”

“sir…that’s a parrot”

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@Pirate_nurse

If he’s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text…be smart enough to reply to all

“I still haven’t gotten my period.”

@rockymomax

[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again

@croninwhocares

“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God

@CelebrityChez

If I was a drunk superhero, I’m pretty sure I’d be “I Love You Man”

@LostFelicia

My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.

@alldrolledup

Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:

Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude

@juskewitch

The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.

@murfect

*gets hit by car*
Friend: HOLY SHIT ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: I need.. My phone.. Please..
*opens Twitter*
Me:YALL WON’T BELIEVE WHAT JUST HAPPENED

@simoncholland

Like on Amazon or in our house?

[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]