“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
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Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Pee pressure > peer pressure
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?