What rhymes with “hug me”?

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My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today


Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”


If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.


I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”


Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science


How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.


Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares


[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit


was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru