What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
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Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.