@trevso_electric

What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.

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@Jarhead44

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

@DaveWeasel

If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.

@houseandhens

I appreciate my husband cleaning before we have guests coming over but he always cleans the weirdest shit. Our kitchen will look like a tornado blew through but instead of putting shit away this dude will be up in the attic scrubbing the walls like “iT hAs To Be CLeAn eMiLy”

@KenJennings

Okay, vampires are invisible in mirrors, I totally get that. But, come on, their clothes?!? #science

@markleggett

How many kids do you think Wolverine has? Because a vasectomy would heal in seconds and he doesn’t look like he’d wear a rubber or pull out.

@Home_Halfway

Go on a romantic walk with her. Run your hands through her hair. Take her out to a nice meal. So what if she’s a police horse, who cares

@aotakeo

[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit

@TweetPotato314

was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru