What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
we’re gonna need another temp
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.