@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

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@stephenjmolloy

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

@Ygrene

Interviewer: so tell me your strengths

Me: conducting interviews

Interviewer: *narrows eyes*

Me: so tell me your weaknesses

Interviewer: *starts sweating*

@MarfSalvador

[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol

@WhitfordBradley

And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”

@fro_vo

me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you

@LeiaMarieG

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

@Elizasoul80

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

@causticbob

I took a girl back to my flat.

“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.

“What gave it away?”

“The scissors, mainly.”