@BCMontgo

What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

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@tweetsbyrocket

me: [googling] depressed what do

google: consult a doctor

me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking

@DanMentos

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

@BraandoCommando

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

@MacMcCannTX

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

@jxeker

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

@iwearaonesie

[leaving the restaurant]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign

@robknepper

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.

@heyitsJudeD

*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving

@Marcmywords2

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.