I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
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[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”