What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?

I refuse to lose another rap battle!

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me: [googling] depressed what do

google: consult a doctor

me: [googling again] depressed what do NO people NO talking


“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”


[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine


oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out


i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police


[leaving the restaurant]
me [wearing 5 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign


Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.


*during sex*

Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!

Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving


Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.