what scared me at age 8:
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

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GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!

SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.

GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.

MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.


Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.


People constantly ask why I don’t add pictures of myself to my account. So here I am. I’m the one at the back.


Me: I want Botox.

Husband: What for? Your forehead?



Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?


Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.


Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst


If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.


We’re expecting 12 inches tomorrow night. Well played, Black History Month. Well played.


CNN reports Hurricane Patricia “hit luxury resorts and impoverished villages with equal ferocity.” Did they expect wealth-based discernment?