What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
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Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.