What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Van Gone
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.