@Love_bug1016

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

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@SternoShots

Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?

@EJGomez

if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.

thanks & God bless

@tylerschmall

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

@Dmvm1977

When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to “warm her up”, I dont waste a second..

to throw in a hairdryer

@dafloydsta

[marriage counseling]

She thinks I’m stupid

“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”

HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?

@Izianikapani

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

@LlamaInaTux

Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*

Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!

@ayyyyloser

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

@trojansauce

GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?

GOLDFISH: who are you?

GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon