Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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if you don’t appreciate Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, I guess you could say you’re taking him for granite.
thanks & God bless
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
When I get home to find my wife naked in the tub, seductively asking me to “warm her up”, I dont waste a second..
to throw in a hairdryer
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
GOLDFISH: i swear i’ll have your money by tomorrow
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: what money?
GOLDFISH: who are you?
GOLDFISH MOBSTER: where’s my mon