What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
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Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: You should have been more specific
Wife: When I said fill my car up, obviously I meant fuel
Me: ok that does make more sense
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
“Where does it hurt?” the doctor asked.
“Right Ear” replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Husband: You don’t have to wear a mask
Me: I’m hoping no one talks to me
Husband: But it’s just us and we are home
Me: *tightening mask*
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not