@ch000ch: [gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot's asleep

@KenJennings: ANIMALS IT'S OK TO KILL IN AFRICA 1. Mosquitoes 2. Terminally ill zebra who signed a DNR 3. The Nazi monkey from Raiders of the Lost Ark

@Boobzillaz: Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?! In the grass.. So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?! [all the children] Grass?? Yessssss.

@AndyRichter: How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube

@tweetsbymoon: octopus: [gun in each hand] cat: you're one short buddy