What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

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*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.


Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.


Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet


I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.


knock knock

who’s there


Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood


*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.


ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else


*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*


Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.