@brianbowman73 *applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
@JustMeTurtle What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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@brianbowman73 
@BarebakAssassin Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.
@iamspacegirl every snail has a perfectly baked cinnamon bun inside its shell
@Chhapiness Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
@nayele18maybe I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
@humanaaron knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
@blade_funner *slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
@jonnysun ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
@Dawn_M_ *slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
@BabetteJones Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.