@mommajessiec
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
@JustMeTurtle
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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@mommajessiec
@notfaizzy
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
@Birdhumms
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
@coolandbreezey
My guardian angel deserves a raise
@HughGoesThere
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
@weismanjake
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
@givemymeds
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
@DothTheDoth
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
@loudmouth_usa
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
@JaneyGodley
when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”
Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”
She never spoke to me EVER again