@JustMeTurtle

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

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@mommajessiec

Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?

Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*

@notfaizzy

I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.

@Birdhumms

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

@HughGoesThere

[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one

@weismanjake

Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters

@givemymeds

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

@DothTheDoth

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

@loudmouth_usa

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

@JaneyGodley

when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”

Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”

She never spoke to me EVER again