@JustMeTurtle

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

You Might Also Like

@brianbowman73

*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*

What’s your theory?

That money can buy happiness.

@BarebakAssassin

Most problems can be solved by pouring a concrete slab over the person causing the problems.

@Chhapiness

Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food

What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet

@nayele18maybe

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

@humanaaron

knock knock

who’s there

Reggie

Reggie who?

The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood

@blade_funner

*slips $5 to the mortician*

Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.

@jonnysun

ad for vacations:

how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else

@Dawn_M_

*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*

@BabetteJones

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.