Still my favorite headline of all time:
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Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad