I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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Broke a light bulb today.
Seven years of bad ideas?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:
1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.
If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*Have you been drinking?
*What time is it?
~How my send button should function
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect