@JustMeTurtle

What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.

What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.

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@Jeffwni

I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/

@Parkerlawyer

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

@AmishPornStar1

So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.

@drinksmcgee

I only have 3 rules when I have guests over:

1. Take your shoes off. It’s only polite.
2. Use a coaster for your drink. Nobody likes a ring on their coffee table.
3. Don’t look in the corpse space. Oh, did I say corpse? Haha, I meant crawl space. But seriously, don’t.

@100percent001

If we both go for the last slice of apple pie at the same time, I will bury my fork in your throat.

@sandjoeman

Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.

@better_off_dad

*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?

~How my send button should function

@DirtMcTurd

Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect