Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
You Might Also Like
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Think of how horrible Ray Rice and the NFL had to act in order to make TMZ seem like brave investigative reporters
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
when I got married in 1980 one of husbands old aunts took me aside and said “be a good wife and do sex on demand”
Me “what if he can’t keep up with my demands do I take a lover?”
She never spoke to me EVER again