What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.