What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
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an octopus is just a wet spider
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.