What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
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ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
nature’s most graceful animal
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Eggs are just drums you can only play once