@nocuffinthots

What she smoking fam

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@goldengateblond

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

@CoachChelley

How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?

@packageoflies

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

@amyis_trying

twitter is like if every 20 minutes a clown kicked your door open and and yelled, “WELL IT GOT WEIRDER”

@Ivsy01

If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.

@SteveKoehler22

Why do countries “cut ties”
when things get tense ?

So weird having men walk around
in suits and half ties.

@wittwitbarista

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

@ThaJawn

Interviewer: Please take off your sunglasses..

Me: Nah, I’m afraid you’ll see how high I am

@NurseMurderer

my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope