Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
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“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.