What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
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they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?