“What should we call ourselves?”

How about 22 pilots?

“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”

21 pilots?


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Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send


[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.


Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success

Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine


Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.


Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”

Tim: “You did what?!”

Ian: “Baked you a pie.”


Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct


If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.


A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.