“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
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[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find