@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

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@iwearaonesie

*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*

@isabelzawtun

The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever

@MarlonBrandNO

“Drop it like its hot”

-Terrible Parenting advice from snoop dog

@GingerHotDish

Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.

Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.

@okimstillhungry

Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO

@Elifcello

Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.

@TheBoydP

Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.

@BrewThePigeon

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

@chuuew

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

@hythemafia

Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”

Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”