@sageboggs

“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”

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@doritoburritho

[using ouija board]

Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed

H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D

@EmmaUtters

It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning

@continentlbkfst

[prison]

me: I think I’m breaking out

cell mate: no way that’s insane

me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad

@TheNYAMProject

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

@cuntyfruitbats

Here
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-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.

@alexlumaga

*First Passover*

The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS