Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
Because they taste funny
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
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[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.