“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird

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“911, please help im dying”
Good cop: help is on the way
Bad cop: just suck it up and be a man
Dad cop: hi dying, im dad


[I am wearing a wedding gown at work]

BOSS: Do you have a minute to chat in my office?

ME: [lifting veil] I do


I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.


Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO


Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.


donkey kong: i’m starting to think mom loved you more

king kong: what makes you say that


Waking on campus and some girl said, “I like you a lot.” And I turned around and said thank you and realized she talking to the guy with her


Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired


If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0