@jacquiewalters

“What should we name them?”
Grapes
“And what about these?”
Grapefruits
“I see. So one is a larger version of another?”
Not at all
“Perfect”

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@AstroKatie

You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken

@AtticusFinch79

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

@OfNorthAmerica

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

@Marlebean

Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.

Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Coworker: These heels are killing my feet but they’re so cute.
Me: These ugly Sketchers I’m wearing have insides made out of memory foam.

@JediGigi

Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.

@T_Bonezzz_

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Where do babies comes from?”

Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.

@scorpicpanda

It’s like Grandma used to say, “All men are hilarious, until you marry one.”