My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
sin harder.
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son