One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
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I feel it
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.