Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
You Might Also Like
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
he looks great for his age
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?