*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
What should you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant????
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Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking
PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it