Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@BoogTweets

*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied

@UncleDuke1969

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

@junejuly12

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

@junejuly12

*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*

[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]

@goldengateblond

This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.

@tyrion1

Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.

@bazecraze

It’s only been a few days, but I’m starting to forget everything I knew about Mitch Romley.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@3sunzzz

[searching for a new church]

Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?

Church: *click*

@DrakeGatsby

Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it