Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
You Might Also Like
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
I am never leaving this website
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.