“What sins have you committed?”
Well…
[20 minutes later]
… finally fit my whole fist up there. I shit you not. Father?
*vomiting sound*
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starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know