what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

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Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.


Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.


Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.


Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh


*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter


*pulls pants up


*forgets to poop


If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.


Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape


You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500