@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

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@JudgmentalGay

Me: *breathes”
My parents: you need to watch that attitude young man.

@HallpassCanada

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

@WilliamAder

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

@MissItAintMe

Today is awesome. I got pulled over by a cop on a bike. He even asked if I knew why he was “pulling me over”

You need a ride! Duh

@dafloydsta

*goes to bathroom

*takes out phone

*opens Twitter

*finishes

*pulls pants up

*flushes

*forgets to poop

@ninjadinosaur1

If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.

@deankarrier

Got invited to a pool party on Sunday. I have 17 hours to get into shape

@dave_cactus

You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500