What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
You Might Also Like
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Cndnsd Mlk
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.